Humour - jokes thread

[Tojja]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, she gives up her frail grasp and attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....


......Simon, the New World security guard sees her, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

[SilverPriest]

Rightey, Gonna post a few here that i have blatently stolen from GP
As i'm bored and can't sleep :(

A bit of a long one, but funny :D

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds,
who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Paul: Holy ****!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried
paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames
out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they
even begin to think this tastes like food.
_________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a
cow sucking piss off a thistle.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
now getting ****-faced from all the beer.
_________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb.
***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating.
Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.
Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile
of napalm.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames
leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's
been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just **** myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be
kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my
arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his
trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.
Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid
that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin
away with it. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2
inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.
_______________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?
Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

[SilverPriest]

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they are
employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly
bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to
escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while
scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
to speak to each other in English.

[SilverPriest]

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Greet people entering the lift with a firm handshake and introduce yourself as the "admiral"

27) Duck, dive and hide in the lift while whistling the mission impossible tune

[SilverPriest]

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his
itinerary to visit the wild east coast near Gisborne on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a green and gold football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black
football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the river and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the
rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessedthem all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others: 'Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows stuff all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

[SilverPriest]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

[SilverPriest]

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of
the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the ****les of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever
had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a
temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her.
The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup,
you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of
control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and
onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her
pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the
lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up
this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this
crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her
knees.
I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far
I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

:D

[SilverPriest]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form (Year 11) GCSE Exams last year.

These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds are stupid - But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.>

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.

[SilverPriest]

A Police officer pulls over a speeding car on the highway.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 130 kph sir."
The driver says, "Gee,officer, I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her magazine the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, can't you keep your trap shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $100 fine."
The driver says,"Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's pissed."

[Wibber]

lol @ curry